 
 There's a couple of days on the calendar each year I dread.
There's no way around them. I wish I could pretend they don't exist.
But they do.
And that sucks.
March 5 is the day my Mom passed away in 1984.
May 7 is the day my Dad passed away in 2007.
I wrote about my Dad last year.  I also wrote about my Mom last year, and did a huge multi-blogger memorial for her this year.
I was going to do the same for my Dad  but my life is so in flux and high stress right now that it seemed doing it more subtle was the way to go this time. I love multi-blogger events, and participate in them often. But the thought of adding any more "to do's" right now would just send me pitching over the edge.
So I'm flying solo for Dad's day today. Which when you really think about it seems appropriate. My Dad was a bit of a lone wolf. He was a tad anti-social most of the time. So this probably suits him better.
Just me...
and him...
and all of you reading.
Yah, he is likely rolling over in his grave knowing his little girl is on the interwebs, talking about him, posting pictures of him. He's likely going to haunt me for this one.
One of my all time fave shots of Dad! It's amazing how many photos we have of us sitting on the edges of cliffs and mountains. We're lucky to all be alive!
My Dad was an odd fellow. He came off very grumpy and curmudgeon like. Yet deep down he was a giant softie. But like really deep, deep down. You had to dig a little.
When you did the payoff was spectacular.
My Dad and me got to really know each other beyond the surface stuff when he got sick. In Fall of 2006 he called me to ask if I'd take him for a test. He was not very forthcoming about it all. But I knew he hadn't been feeling well and something was up. When he called a second time I forced myself into the doctor's appointment with him only to be horrified they were draining his lungs and talking about what Dad called the "C" word. By November it was tons of appointments and tests. By December I was with him about 20-22 hours a day. By Boxing Day he got word it was in fact the "C" word, he had terminal lung cancer. Time was short.
He tried chemo, which almost killed him. He ended up so sick he was admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks. The bottom line was he was not responding well to chemo and after 2 rounds it was decided not to continue with it. The doctors wanted him to do radiation, but he refused. So we made plans to bring him home to spend however much time he had in his own home. They told him 3 months. He died almost to the minute of that timeline.
I was blessed to be able to be a part of the process. I know most people will find that hard to fathom, but it really was a blessing. I had a very volatile and complicated relationship with my Dad. Much of that stemmed from how he treated my Mom. I was still very bitter and angry with him. So during this incredibly emotional time we made peace with things, talked things out, came to understand each other and finally accept one another, flaws and all. It was not an easy journey. My dad was a hard man, prone to cruel remarks and lashing out at people close to him. Yet I wouldn't trade that time with him for anything, or change anything about the way it all went down. All those hours spent with him were spent talking. And I'm ever grateful I got to know the man beneath that grumpy exterior.
After Dad passed I was in charge of cleaning out his house, I now live in the house my parents built, and both passed in. I came across so many things my Dad kept that just flew in the face of his grumpy persona. I learned he kept every single card and note we ever gave him. Even silly ones like "gone to work, do we need milk?" He also kept every single gift us kids gave him. Even the ones he hated, like the year I thought he would love a machete for Christmas. Um, yah, true story.
He kept every photo, note, card, gift and memento like they were a timeline. And they really were. Looking at them all laid out and seeing his life in sentimental technicolor was truly amazing.
I was able to read letters his own father wrote to him while he was away at war. They shook me up something terrible, I came to realize where my Dad's hard exterior came from. I always thought my Dad was a mean person, but once I knew why he was that way I was able to understand him better. That was life altering for me.
My Dad taught me many things as a kid. He taught me even more as an adult. I learned I had to let the past go and move on. I could stay bitter but to be quite frank, that meant I would wind up like him. I think both he and I were determined that was not going to happen. So we hashed it out, talked about the painful stuff, the things you don't want to talk about. We forgave and we put it all in the past. Both he and I were able to spend the last weeks of his life at peace with each other. It was the best and worst time of my life.
Dad doing what he loved most!
One of the many things I remember about my Dad was how much he loved food. This man could eat, and he loved his treats. We always called his middle area his ice cream belly. Most men have beer bellies, Dad an ice cream one. We lived a couple of blocks from Dad so I was around a lot to cook. One thing I was asked to make often over the years was Lasagna. It was the most requested dish by Dad. He had some tummy woes, like me, that worsened as he got older. Yet he would always request lasagna, and on occasion he threw caution to the wind and he'd ask me to make my spicy version. It's something we've modified over the years. Lasagna was one of the first things I learned to make. I make many versions. There's the regular version, the spicy version, the meatless version, the veggie packed version, the long and slow version, and Dad's personal favourite The Spicy Version. We would all lay around after holding our tummies and stand up wind of each other. But we all loved to eat like little piggies when the spicy version made an appearance.
If I had to count how many lasagnas I made for my Dad over the years it would like be triple digits. You figure at least 6 lasagnas per year, for about 25 years. That's a lot of lasagna. I've gotten good at them. Some are pretty and stacked to perfection. Some are down and dirty, oozing with cheese and sauce. Dad liked the down and dirty versions. The more it slid around on the plate the happier Dad was. More meat, more cheese, more sauce, he loved it that way.
So this one's for Dad.
I had two helpings in your honour dude. Then sat with the family down wind enough to be a perfect ass, just like I was taught. Miss you, you grumpy son of a bitch!
Easy Spicy Lasagna in Memory of Dad
Ingredients
- 1 package of lasagna noodles cooked al dente (do not use oven ready, they blow)
- 3 jars of pasta sauce 650 ml
- 1 to 1 ½ pounds of ground beef
- ¼ cup sugar
- 3 tablespoons dried basil
- 4 tablespoons dried oregano
- 1 tablespoon chili powder
- 1 tablespoon garlic powder
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 4 bay leaves to be discarded after simmering sauce
- 3 to 4 shallots diced, cook in the microwave for about 30- 40 seconds till soft
- ½ large sweet onion diced, cook in the microwave for about 1 to 1 ½ minutes till soft
- 4 to 5 cloves of garlic pressed
- ½ to 1 cup of parmesan cheese grated
- 5 to 6 cups of mozzarella cheese grated ( I am seriously partial to the pizza mozzarella, even on lasagna)
Instructions
- This will make two 9 x 13 pans, two layers deep
- Preheat oven to 375 to 400 depending on how your oven works. I set mine to 400 degrees F.
For the noodles:
- Fill a large stock pot with water and bring to a boil on the stove.
- Once it's boiling, add some salt.
- Toss in your noddles, I find alternating the way they lay helps. Allow to cook according to the package minus about 1 to 2 minutes.
- Drain, pat dry and get ready to line the pan
For the sauce:
- While the water is cooking for the noodles cook your ground beef in a skillet till brown, and juices run clear. Do not overcook, it keeps the flavour from getting in there.
- In a large dutch oven combine the sauce, sugar, cooked ground beef, spices, bay leaves, shallots, onions and garlic. Stir and cook over medium heat till it boils. Let it bubble like that while stirring for about 3 or 4 minutes, reduce to simmer and allow to cook until the noodles are done.
- Once finished you need to take out the bay leaves and throw away.
Putting it all together:
- Spray your casserole dish with non stick spray.
- Scoop about 2 tablespoons of sauce into each pan to line the bottom thinly. This helps keep noddles from sticking to the bottom and getting a wicked crispy bottom.
- Depending on your brand of noodles you should be able to use 4 or 5 noodles per layer. I was able to use 5. So I lay three, then place two more on top.
- Toss a bit of mozzarella cheese on top of the noodles (trust me!)
- Spoon ¼ of the sauce over that layer. Spread evenly
- Toss one fourth of the parmesan cheese over top. (trust me!)
- Toss about ¼ of the cheese over top.
- Lay another layer of noodles.
- Then another thin toss of mozzarella cheese. (trust me!)
- Then another layer of sauce.
- Then toss on one fourth of the amount of parmesan cheese (trust me!)
- Another layer of mozzarella.
- Now repeat with second casserole dish, or if you're like me you can layer them at the same time so you can divide evenly.
- Now place in the preheated oven.
- Cook uncovered for about 15 to 20 minutes, depending on how golden brown you want the top. It's a good idea to start checking at 10 minutes since every oven is different and all cheeses vary depending on moisture content.
- Remove from oven.
- Grab a spatula and wish for a clean slice.
- Serve with a big old "my tummy hurts, but in a good way| smile!
Notes
 
Okay here's where I admit I'm a total lasagna whore. If you are a regular reader you know it's a favourite around here. I'd almost feel bad about it but I'm too busy shoveling lasagna into my pie hole.
It's okay, you can be a lasagna whore too. I shall lead the way to lasagna utopia. You just may need to roll me through the gateways, Â m'kay.
Here's a list of how many ways I've cooked it up for you since blogging:
Lasagna Soup: click photo for the recipe!
Slow Cooker Lasagna Soup, browned with a blow torch: click photo for the recipe!
Skillet Lasagna: click the photo for the recipe!
Mile High Lasagna: click photo for the recipe!
Kim's Essex County Famous Lasagna: click photo for the recipe!
Great Sauce Recipes for you as well:
Bolognese Sauce: this is my all time fave slow cooked sauce. It's divine and worth the effort when  you have time. Just click the name of the recipe to get to it!
Slow Cooker Red Sauce:Â this one is low and slow, very good. Just click the name of the recipe to get to it!
Simple Sauce:Â this one has missing photos but it's a great basic sauce to use. Just click the name of the recipe to get to it!
I just love Italian food. Whether it's a recipe you spend all day tinkering in the kitchen over, or something fast and easy. It's all good to me. As long as it tastes out of this world and is smothered in cheese I'm a happy girl.
Let me know if you try this out. It's such an easy and wonderful recipe. Just remember to taste as you go. It's quite honestly the best way to learn to cook. You make small adjustments as you go and the perk is you get to nosh as you cook. It's win-win.
So thanks for visiting me on this bittersweet day. I really wanted to do a fundraiser for hospice in Dad's honour but would rather do it when I have time to plan it properly. So I may do something like that down the road. For now I just wanted to share my memories and my recipe with you.
Me and Dad on my wedding day!
For any of you who have lost parents, or any one who has lost someone they love to cancer please feel free to share your story with me today. If you aren't comfortable enough to leave a comment feel free to email me at cravingsofalunatic @ gmail (dot) com. We are all connected by this crazy, stupid disease. One day I hope they find a cure. Until then we can all just try to support one another and help those fighting their battles with it.
See you soon.
Toodles and smoochies! xx
Aurora Importing
This was a wonderful post, Kim. Big hugs from the whole team here.
-Andrés
Kim Beaulieu
Thanks so much. I'm so proud to have such a great group of friends at your company. Makes me super happy.
Kayle (The Cooking Actress)
I'm so sorry about your loss Kim, but so grateful that you opened up so completely and shared so much. I'm sure it's bittersweet to live in a house where you stumble upon memories and reminders of him often. This lasagna looks amazing, and I totally see why he loved it!
Kim Beaulieu
Thanks Kayle. Living here is interesting. Some days I'll come across something by chance and it just blows my mind. It adds a whole other level to mourning, but at the same time it's so comforting. Not going to lie though, sleeping in the room they both died in when we moved in on Halloween was a little freaky.
Ramona
Lady... first of all BIG HUG!! This is such a incredibly sweet tribute to your father... reading about your Dad reminded me of my relationship with my own father. He is your proverbial grumpy old man... but a softy (just like your Dad). When I read about you finding all the cards and notes your Dad kept, it reminded me that while helping my parents move from their own home into my sister's house, I found cards and letters that we had given him. I never knew he kept them. He still is quiet and reserved... but I know now that he still loves us (in his own way). I am so glad you and your father were able to mend your relationship in the end. The journey may not have been easy, but your relationship ended lovingly and strong. I loved all the photos of your Dad and I don't think he would be angry you are sharing this with the world at large...it's just proof on how much he is loved and missed by you.
Take care today and eat another helping of this delicious looking lasagna (upwind). You got me to laugh and cry in this post. 🙂
Kim Beaulieu
Thanks Ramona. I still pull that binder out with all the cards from time to time. It makes me so sentimental to see how he saved all those things.
I'm sorry I made you cry but happy I made you laugh. Much love to you. xx
Kristina
oh Kim - I just want to give you a hug. I am sorry for your losses, and comforted by your story of your dad.
I am going through a very similar time with my dad. End of 2011, we found head and neck cancer. I have been by his side ever since - driving to doctors appointments, daily trips to chemo and radiation, driving separately to meet Dad for these more recent appointments, because he needs ambulance transport. We now have Dad back home at his house (two minute drive from my own), he is under the wonderful hospice care and round the clock nurses I've hired... so I no longer have to be caregiver, I am just here. I'm sitting right next to him now - we are watching Days of our Lives. 🙂
My relationship with Dad has not always been a close one - there was a good 15 years where we did not talk much at all. About 10 years ago we reconnected (that was a difficult conversation but one I insisted on), and we had many great years since - including these last couple years. It is a different relationship now, but one I am happy to have. I feel grateful to have the time with him now.
thank you for sharing - like I said, your similar story brings me comfort now. I loved reading this and seeing the photos - happy times.
Kim Beaulieu
Kristina I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to go through what you're going through right now. My dad would not let me hire full time help. We tried once towards the end and the nurse lasted one night before he forced me to fire her. I think if you can have full time help it lightens the load a bit. You get to stop being caregiver and just spend time. Which is so important at a time like this. I know it sounds weird but just be in the moment and look at it like a gift. You have all that time to get to know each other and say all things you wanted to say. I figure in a situation like this you can be in denial and be bitter but you lose the chance to talk and bond. Or you can just face the music and accept the situation and try to make the most of the time the person has left. I always tell people it was the best and worst experience of my life. I've never been the same since.
If you ever need to talk shoot me an email or hit me up on G+. I have so much empathy for what you're going through.
Oh and seriously, just give in to the emotion of it all. I am normally wickedly stoic and the last couple of weeks I just couldn't do it any more. It was such a relief to just feel it and let it all sink in, and then let it out. Sometimes falling apart can leadry to great personal growth. I had no idea how much I needed to learn to let go of trying to control everything. Was really eye opening for me on a personal level.
I wish you comfort through this. Spend all the time you can with him. You'll never regret it.
Kim
ps if you need guest posts to fill the void while you're busy just email me. I can't imagine trying to work through this. If you need help just ask, or post on the round up group. People would likely want to help. xx
Lois Widmer
It's a blessing when you finally understand your parent (s) as a fellow human being, warts and all. I didn't get that time with my mom. She died of cancer when I was 16. My dad and I took trips around the U.S. and we talked a lot. Truely a blessing. He died doing what he loved doing, walking in the woods. I'm thankful you got to heal the wounds from your childhood. Also learning how much he loved you. Blessings as you continue to grieve.
I am looking forward to trying this recipe. It sounds and looks delicious.
Monica
Dear Kim, your story about your dad brought me to tears.
You know, lasagna was one of the first things I learned to cook when I left home. My dad, in particular, LOVED my lasagna because it was something my mother didnt make (she was always watching her figure, and I think it was probably a little too high in calories, lol).
As I was growing up, my dad was this grumpy man who spent a lot of time in his shed. He was the one who meted out punishment when my mother asked him to, but I dont think it came all that naturally to him. He really was a grumpy old bugger - intolerant of many things and people, and didnt suffer fools lightly. However, I have many happy memories of us going sailing together, playing frisbee and then as I got older, he was always my "go to" guy when I needed advice about cars, how to fix something (he usually came over and did it for me, lol) and later even house buying advice. I always felt that he understood me like no-one else, that he loved me unconditionally, always, even if he didnt always agree with my decisions and choices in life - and never hesitated to tell me I was being an "idiot" if that is what he felt, lol.
6 years ago, he was diagnosed with Alzheimers. As a late birthday gift that year, I took him to see Leonard Cohen in concert. He loved Leonard Cohen and he admired him because he was born the same year and there he was, on stage. Each song, he took out the little notepad and pen from his pocket and wrote down the song title, with my mobile phone lighting the way. This annoyed the people sitting behind us (I was oblivious) and they angrily told me off for ruining their night. I explained that I was just trying to help my dad preserve some memories and then I burst into tears. As I was sitting there sobbing, I felt a tap on my arm, and there was dad, offering me his hanky, like he had done on so many occasions over the years. Dad and his hanky - always there to mop up little girl tears, for wiping hands, for the blood from skinned knees and also could be turned into a mouse on occasion 🙂
I graduated from University and moved away. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer years earlier but she was in remission. My parents were ok, taking care of each other. Well, the cancer came back. We lost her in October 2013. Dad went into a secure dementia unit in July 2013 as my mother was too weak to take care of him and he was becoming quite unpredictable.
I got my father a place in a nursing home 5 minutes up the road from my house and with help from my daughter, two weeks ago I flew the 2000km to go and get him. He enjoyed the trip although he was terribly confused and now I can see him whenever I like. His memory is completely gone, he has no idea that I am his daughter nor my name but he KNOWS that I am important to him, and still calls me by my childhood nickname. He always returns my hug and kiss when I see him and when I go, and waves enthusiastically at me when I drive off. He breaks my heart, every time, but I am SO grateful that I can spend time with him. He gave me love and support when I needed it, its my turn now.
I am going to make your version of lasagna and take him some, he will like that 🙂
Kim Beaulieu
Monica, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I am so touched you shared your Dad with me, it's always so wonderful to learn more about people and their families.
I watched my Dad slip into early onset Alzheimers because of his cancer. He only struggled for a short time, but it broke my heart daily. I feel for you and what you're going through. It's so hard to watch parents go through the ageing process. I cannot even imagine how hard this is for you. Just know there's someone out there who cares and feels for you.
I hope you can spend lots of time with your Dad and that you make some more memories for your family with him. I think sometimes they forget who we are but deep down they remember they love us. And that becomes enough. I never regret the time I gave to my own Dad. It wasn't easy, in fact it was beyond difficult, but it was worth all the hardship and heartache just to spend time with him. I am eternally grateful for the time we had.
If you ever need to talk just email me. I know it helps to have someone who has lived it to listen. I'm here if you ever need an ear.
Give your Dad a hug from me. I hope he loves the lasagna and maybe it will spark a memory or two. xx
Barb S. @ FL Mom's Blog
Kim,
HI! Sorry that this is months late, but sorry to hear about your father. He sounded like an awesome guy! Thank you for sharing this great recipe.
Alison F.
I know I'm a late commentor, (I just stumbled across your blog, actually I just made your nutella peanut butter cookies. Oh my lord are they sinful!) but I felt the need to comment on this post! I am so sorry about your dad. Your dad and my dad must have been long lost brothers though because my dad is the same exact way!! We know he loves us, we know he's a softie inside, but man it's like his switch is set to auto-grumpy. And he sure does know how to yell. Haha. Literally how you described your father, you described mine. And he's a smoker, has been since he was 14, so reading your story made me tear up a bit since my dad is so much like yours. The smoking hasn't caught up to him yet but I am dreading the day when it does. So anyways, thanks for sharing your story and I will most definitely have to try your recipe. Being Italian, we love good Italian food around our house as well(:
Kim Beaulieu
Alison thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It meant so much to me.
I think sometimes dad's just don't know how to express themselves. We discovered some letters my grandfather wrote to my dad when he was off in the war, my dad was he oldest so he was in charge. Once I read these letters I sort of understood my dad and why he was so prickly. He was blamed for everything from their lack of money to the war not ending to the old dog dying. My grandfather would write him these scathing letters that were so vile. I can't fathom why my dad kept them. But it's things like reading those letters that made me finally sort of understand him. It's a hard thing. Relationships with parents are tough.
I hope your dad lives to a rip old age and maybe softens up a bit. You never know. Life can surprise you sometimes.
Linda Cinader
Sorry for the loss of your parents a few years ago. I lost both my parents & 1 stepmother all within 6 months. The reason I am writing is when I was much younger I volunteered to cook for the whole camp (we were all CB'ers) blueberry pancakes for breakfast & spaghetti for dinner. I must have been out of my mind - as there was about 30 of us. Everything was great. Anyways I owned my own business & one of my clients mentioned she had a dinner party & had made her spaghetti sauce & how good it was. I told her about me volunteering the spaghetti for the whole camp & asked if she would mind sharing her recipe (which she did). So I made her sauce which I was surprised there was not much to it. I tasted it & was shocked, there was no flavor at all. I was very disappointed. When I cook, its usually a pinch of this & a dab of that etc.. So I started throwing but the kitchen sink into it. I had told a friend that was watching make it that I better right down everything (& the amounts in case it turned out good) I was putting in it. Then I actually simmered the huge roaster full of it for 3 days. That's right, as soon as I got up in the morning I would put it on the stove & stir on & off & let it simmer till I went to bed (for 3 days). I was amazed at the flavor. My girlfriend stopped over to transport it for me in her stationwagon (do they even make those anymore? LOL) for me so I could get everything packed & loaded for myself & my teenage foster daughter. My friend said she'd put it on her moms' stove to keep it warm while she loaded her own things for camping. When she got to camp it was time to eat so we cooked the spaghetti (&
Linda Cinader
(Sorry somehow it posted it before I finished it). Anyways, I put it on a friends stove that had a motor home to keep warm while we cooked the spaghetti. Then my friend says "I hope your not mad but while I was loading my car, my mom poured a bottle of wine in your sauce". I said WHAT???? I said what kind & how much?; she didn't know. She said just some wine she had left. It all worked out ok, everybody rant & raved about how good it was & told me I should bottle it & sell it. It was really the best sauce I've ever tasted anywhere. (Do people normally simmer a sauce like that for so long?) Have you ever heard of anyone adding wine to a spaghetti sauce?, & if so, what kind of wine do you think it might have been? I've moved recently & have not found my recipe yet but thought you might have an idea on the wine for when I do find it. Thanks for your help.