Just a brief note. This was written march 5th but will post the 6th. Just getting to send it out now.
So today marked the 26th year since my Mom passed. Rough day as it is every year. I’m not sure why people tell others it gets easier with time. I tend to disagree. I don’t think it gets easier, we just learn to cope better. To mask our pain and move through it with less physical signs to others. But it’s always there, present in everything in we do. It shapes us to be who we are, some grow stronger, some wallow and cannot move forward. Yet death is the thing that equalizes us all. We need to embrace that everyone copes differently, everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. Each person’s journey through it is different and will impact them in various ways. No two people will do it the same or come away from it the same. It’s interesting to me to see how people try to help you in different ways as well. What gives one person peace may not elicit the same reaction in someone else. In fact it may do the exact opposite of what the person intends. For me this is true in the fact that when people want to help, to make me feel better and give me strength they reference her being in heaven. This does not make me feel better as my belief system is so different than most. It gives the complete opposite emotional response that the person intended. For me I suppose I wish people would just simply say “that sucks” or “i miss her too”. Religion is always a touchy subject. Some people believe, some of us do not. Yet I admire those who have faith. I have it too, just not in the same way many others do. Telling me she was needed elsewhere just makes me mad, does not give me peace. For me I cannot exist in a world where I can believe someone else needed her more than her own 4 kids. While this may bring relief and peace to others, it does not to me. Yet I love the fact that people are there and try to help. Try to give you moral support and a shoulder to lean on. I appreciate all the calls, emails and notes today. I am not ignoring anyone. I just tend to want to be alone. I bristle at anything close to comfort on a day like today. I need this day to remember her, to miss her, to be sad and wonder what might have been. Anyone tries to hug me today and you’re gonna get a smackdown. For some reason I need to feel it wholeheartedly so I can cope the rest of the year. Not sure it makes any sense to others but it does to me.
I know there are alot of others missing her today too. My brothers- Scott and Ken and my sister Deb. Her sisters, Judy, Norma, Claire, Pat and her brother Graham. All her friends and the people she touched with her kindness. It speaks volumes of her character.
So to the best Mom in the world this is your day to be remembered, honored and missed beyond comprehension. I am sad for what might have been but grateful for the time we had. If you read this and have your mom around, make sure you appreciate her. I’d trade places with you any day of the week.