Hi folks.
Today marks 5 years since my Dad passed away. It feels like a lifetime. Then there are days it feels like it happened yesterday. Loss is like that. Some days you move through life unburdened by it. Other days it cuts you to the core and the memories are strong.
I've written about my father before. You can read about how I took care of him and our final moments together in my post from last year, Father's Day Dinner and Memories of Dad. My father passed away from lung cancer in May of 2007. He had a very short battle with the disease. Looking back I think it's almost better if it takes you swiftly. The pain it causes, and the heart ache, takes such a toll on the person and those around them. My heart breaks for anyone battling cancer. It also breaks for everyone who loves someone with cancer. It will touch your life, change your life and make you appreciate life in ways you never did before.
For me I had to decide early one whether I was going to become bitter or better for going through it with Dad. I chose better. I wanted to feel it, learn from it, and grow because of it. It's not easy to open yourself up to the experience but if you can it will make you a stronger version of yourself. It was not easy, not by a long shot. My father was a difficult man, he was angry, often mean and very bitter. He was not easy to spend time with. We had a very combative relationship prior to him getting sick. But when he called me to ask for help I figured I could either let it go or let it control me. It was easy to decide to let it go. It is amazing what happens when you make the decision to let the past go. Not just say you're going to but really do it. The world is a different place. We still had our moments and it was a difficult 8 months but I got through it and learned to love and appreciate my father more than I thought possible.
I am grateful I went on the journey with him. I learned so much about him. We had lots of time to fill, so we talked about life, childhood, love, everything under the sun. I found out things about him I did not know. Things I didn't want to know some days. But I am thankful now I had that time to really get to know him and understand him. It is easy to see why he was the man he was after learning more about his childhood. He did the best he could with the tools he had and in those moments of understanding any shred of leftover bitterness over our childhood melted away. It was nothing compared to what he'd been through.
While our childhoods were difficult at times we also had tons of fun. My Dad always made sure we took a family vacation every year. I'm grateful for those memories. They are plentiful.
I remember him eating ice cream almost every single day.
I remember him teaching me how to fish.
I remember him teaching me how to canoe.
I remember him and I going hiking alone one day and having so much fun just being together.
I remember him always trying to get me to laugh for the camera.
I remember him writing "no wee wee in the waa waa" on our pool deck in bold paint and thinking he was the funniest person on the planet because of it.
I remember him teaching us how to shoot pool.
I remember him getting so excited every time we would see a wild animal on our camping ventures.
I remember him talking his whole life about retiring and buying an rv and travelling everywhere, in particular Alaska. He made that trip when he retired just like he said he would. He was gone a whole year and had the time of his life.
I remember him crying only a handful of times in his life. The worst was the day he told us my Mom had died. He picked us up from school with my uncle and told us in the car in the school parking lot. I remember being so stunned by his emotion because he always seemed so emotionless. After that I didn't see him cry until he got sick. Even then he was strong and only broke down three times during that year. I was honoured to be with him when he did, it bonded us, made me realize my tough father was human.
Dad and Mom a little loaded at a wedding!
Dad and his best buddies!
Dad, I still remember this outfit to this day.
Crazy runs in the family!
One of his fave past times!
Told ya crazy runs deep in our family!
One of my fave photos of my Dad!
This was our first trip after Mom died. Dad was trying to help us feel normal. *yes that's young me*
The man was like a little kid when it came to gifts.
Love this photo!
Another fave past time!
Isn't this fabulous!
Dad, one of my aunties, and me!
Me and Dad on my wedding day!
Dad on his dream vacation!
One of my all time fave shots of Dad! It's amazing how many photos we have of us sitting on the edges of cliffs and mountains. We're lucky to all be alive!
Dad and my Uncle Mike. He loved hanging out with Mike doing "guy stuff".
I am telling you now I am probably going to be haunted by this man tonight. He was not a fan of the "evil internet" and did not care for private things being put on it. So I would guess he's preparing to scare the living bejesus out of me tonight for this one. I bet he had no idea his daughter would grow to share her whole life on the internet. It's okay Dad, I did not share any embarrassing ones or any of you while you were sick. I was going to but I knew you would stalk my ass till the end of time if I did. Hoping this will just get me haunted and stalked a smidge.
I always loved my Dad but I think it took him being sick for me to understand and like him. I am ever grateful to him for pushing me, challenging me, testing me, and loving me. He had a weird way of showing love but once I finally understood he was terrified of being vulnerable so he hid it deep within himself, then I finally got it. I got him. And everything made perfect sense. He kept every card we every gave him, every note we ever left him, every gift we ever gave him. He held onto them liked prized possessions, kept the cards and notes in binders as a diary of his life. I had no idea how sentimental he was until he was gone. Now I flip through those binders on occasion to remind myself of who he was and what we meant to him. It's a nice keepsake to have.
So for all of you who still have your Dads around, give them a hug. Appreciate them. Let stuff go. Take pleasure in the little things. You will be grateful one day you did. My Dad taught me to live life with no regrets. I hope one day when I look back I am that comfortable in my own skin that I can honestly say I have none. What a concept. He gave me this advice one day when we talked about his life and how he felt about nearing the end of it, "Do what you want, when you want to do it and live your life the way you want to live it. And to hell with everyone who doesn't like it." My Dad rocked at owning it, long before the days of Dr. Phil. I hope I can own it Dad. The good, the bad and the beautiful!
Toodles and smoochies! xx
CHeryl and Adam @ pictureperfectmeals.com
Kim, this is such and honest and touching post. Some wounds never completely heal, Adam's father passed away 11 years ago and he still has hi moments when he tears up with missing him. It's usually something small and unexpected that reminds him of his Dad. God bless, Kim and thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Cheryl. I get like that too. Some days it's just the smallest thing that sets it off. So random most days. Much love to you and Adam. xx
Melody
I can't say that I didn't cry reading this one....My dad and I aren't the huggy type and the lectures...But I remember the camping trips in the Pop-up, the furniture and the paneled walls, this sure brought back memories....Love your blogs.
Kim Bee
My dad only hugged me about twice in my life so I can relate. Memories are so wonderful. It helps heal things. Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate it.
kale
This was such a beautiful post. I loved all the pics of your dad, especially the ones of him fishing! He certainly brought you into nature as much as possible, eh? You are a wonderful daughter to continue honoring him.
Kim Bee
We really did get to experience so much travelling and nature and culture. I think we saw most of Canada and the States. Lovely memories. Thanks so much for being sweet. I appreciate it so much.
Jennie @themessybakerblog
Kim, what a beautiful post about your father. You can tell how much you adore him. It looks like you have some amazing memories of him.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Jennie. I have lots of great memories. And thanks to my brother sending me photos I also have some great photos.
Jessica | Oh Cake
Thank you for sharing this. Dads are so special and so often they don't realize it or we forget to tell them, This is a beautiful tribute.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Jessica. It is so true. Thanks so much for your support. I truly appreciate it. xx
Lori
Beautiful post. Even though you put your Dad out there on the evil internet, he would no doubt appreciate all the kind memories about him you shared. It is never easy caring for an ailing parent and to be able to take the better of the 2 routes is truly a gift. Take care and give yourself a huge hug for me.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Lori. I appreciate it. Hugs right back at you. xx
Stephanie @ Eat. Drink. Love.
Beautiful post, Kim. Your Dad sounds like he was a great guy! Loved all the pictures!
Kim Bee
Thanks Stephanie. We had a love/hate thing but in the end you let it go. Which is the best gift you can someone I think. Forgiveness in the end is amazing. So freeing for everyone.
Janet@FCTC
Twin, all I can do is give you a big hug. My dad passed away in April of '06 so I know exactly what you're going through. I took care of my dad for the last 7, almost 8 years of his life. it took his old age for me to learn to like him so I can empathize there. Hugs to you, dear twin.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much twin. It is nice knowing I'm not alone. xx
Christine
Lovely tribute to your dad and hard to read. Both my parents are gone. And my boyfriend loss his dad a week before Christmas 2010. Thanks for sharing this post and the photos.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Christine. It's hard losing folks. I lost my mom when I was 15 too. And all my grandparents are gone. Feel a bit like a orphan. But life moves forward and I cope as best I can.
Marina {YummyMummyKitchen.com}
I'm so sorry you don't have your dad here with you anymore. I am happy you have so many wonderful memories and photos to treasure. Thank you for sharing this sweet story. hugs.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Marina. It helps me to share pics and stories. I'll take that hug and send you one back. xx
Jen at The Three Little Piglets
So sorry you're having a rough day with your memories. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way!!
Kim Bee
Once a year I get nostalgic. Then I bounce back. Then Mother's Day hits and I get that way again. Then bounce back. Then Father's Day hit and I get weird again. It's a never ending cycle. I miss them but it's been long enough that I cope okay. Just get sad for what could have been. I like to honour them with posts too. It's just a nice way to pay tribute. I'll take that hug and send one right back to you. xx
Cindy Cindy's Recipes and Writings
God bless you and keep you strong and positive! Keep those memories close; they will confort you. I'm not trying to be preachy, just positive.
Cindy
Kim Bee
Thank you so much Cindy! I appreciate it very much. xx
raquel@erecipe
we have the same story my father also died in lung cancer that was 15 years ago...until now his memory of fun and love he gave to us still remain...we need to appreciate every people around by saying that we love them...sigh...
Kim Bee
I am so sorry for your loss Raquel. It is so hard to lose a parent. My heart goes out to you.
Vicki Bensinger
ThiS is such a tender hearted bio of your dad. It brings tears to my eyes. I wish my dad were still here as well. It's funny I looked at your photos with captions and the photos were great but only you understood what each look and grin and moment was all about. That's what makes them so special.
My dad died one month before my daughter was born almost 23 years ago. It was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through. To this day I love looking at his photos and videos but have to ration them. I get so blue but most of all I miss lying my head under his arm or on his tummy while he would stroke my head. I wish he was here right now to comfort me.
We are fortunate to have fond memories. I know too many that don't at all. I find that hard to believe.
Enjoy the rest of your day!
Kim Bee
I am the same way with photos of both my mom and dad. I can only take so much at a time. I love looking at them but there are days I can handle it and days I cannot. I am so sorry for your loss as well. Much love. xx
Dawn
He was with you when you wrote this post. Thanks for sharing your memories and your dad.
Kim Bee
Thanks so much Dawn. It means so much to me that you commented on this. xx
Lisa @ Lisa's Dinnertime Dish
I just lost my dad on February 13th of this year. It's probably the hardest thing that I've gone through. I still have days that are really dark and bad. I'm happy for you that you were able to get to a good place with your dad. If I had not been in a good place with my dad I think this loss would have even been more difficult. I think the hardest part of losing my dad was the unexpectedness of it. He had been healthy, but simply went to bed one night and didn't wake up the next day. He was only 66, just 2 days shy of his 67th birthday. He had cheated death in '04 and had a heart transplant in '05, but there was no reason to think that he wasn't going to live to an old age. I really do understand the pain that you must feel for the loss of your father and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Kim Bee
Oh Lisa I am so sorry for your loss. That is so awful. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I too know about unexpected loss, my mom died in the night from a heart attack when I was 15. So I've lost one parent without warning and one. I honestly don't know which is worse. Losing someone you love and not being able to say goodbye, but knowing they had no pain. Or losing someone slowly and watching them suffer but being able to say all the things you wanted to. Both are difficult in different ways. I just think losing a parent no matter how or what age you are stinks big time. It hurts and it scars you and you are never quite the same. All I can say is I feel so much empathy for you. If you ever need to talk hit my email. I'm a good listener. xx
Lisa @ Lisa's Dinnertime Dish
Thank you so much for your kind words, Kim. That really means a lot to me!
Cindy @ Hun, What's for Dinner?
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine having to deal with the loss of my parents. You truly are a strong woman. Thank you so much for sharing such wonderful memories with us and I hope you always keep them alive in your heart. Hugs to you, my foodie friend!!
Lynne Knowlton
I read, and hung on to, every single word. So beautifully well said. I know what it is like to lose your Dad to cancer. I have tried to work up the courage to write about it. You have totally inspired me to go for it. Thanks for that !!
I love your outlook, and the pictures were FAB ! Keep writing, keep blogging. You rock. xx
Erika
Kim, I really love learning more about you and your family. Both of your parents sound like such amazing people. I'm so glad that you do these posts!
Colleen
Love the pic of your dad sitting on the cliff w/ the caption, "It's amazing how many photos we have of us sitting on the edges of cliffs and mountains. We're lucky to all be alive!" It's funny to look back at pics of yourself as a kid and wonder, "How did I survive my childhood?"